I am not depressed. I have had a lot of fun the last few days, with much thanks to Zach, Justin, Nathan, Tyler, Paco, Devon, and Jacob.

But now i must return to small-town Kansas. Where i work my minimum wage job, use dial-up internet, live in a house full of yelling (where i don’t even have an actual bedroom), deal with the people (in general) of that town, and keep my heart from getting crushed by someone.

Oh yeah, and also spend time with my close friends.

My last blog…there were a lot of words in there. I haven’t even read it over since i wrote it. But i just don’t want anyone to worry about it. Because i’ve been happy everyday. I managed to focus on my finals. I’ve some of the greatest times of the semester in the last couple days.

My heart broke Sunday night. I feel so hurt right now. Lately I’ve been so pumped up on God. I’ve heard his calling. I’ve grown closer to Him. I think He hit me in the one place He knew i’d fall. The one place I wasn’t completely relying on Him. My first thought:
What an asshole. Seriously. For me to come this far and have this happen.
But i know God broke me down for a reason. He had to point out my flaws. And He’ll build me up to where i can say thank You for it.

That’s a good concluding point right there. Except I don’t want to accept any of that. There’s so much going on with her.

I guess I had this idea that we would both be single over break. And while we were both single, we would just kinda be together. You’re leaving in a couple months. That’s hard enough as it is. Now i have to deal with the constant pain of you dating someone else the whole time. This is the last time we’ll have to really be together for a long time. And now it’s all going to be different. Fall short of the perfection it could have perhaps.

I know you love me. I believe it when you say it. I believe that you do still want to be with me. But your words and your actions are telling me two different things. Because what you’re doing is saying that you want to be with him over me. And whenever I notice that you’re happy with him, it assures me that you are happy with him. I do want you to be happy. But i’m just expressing the pain that constantly infringes on my own happiness now. And I can’t be around the two of you together without feeling horrible. Which really ruins the ideas of me and him becoming friends like everyone wanted. Not many people have started a friendship with me after helping rip my heart out. Not saying it’s impossible, just much more difficult and I lack the motivation.

When you say you know how it feels, i can’t help but hear you say, I know how it feels but i’ve chose to do it anyway. When you say it’s different than the time before, well it’s pretty much the same for me. I feared of this when he first came around but i thought that i had certain factors that would prevent this. But now a lot of your affection will go there.

I don’t feel good enough. I feel like haven’t been able to be there enough for you. I feel like i’m not worth enough (despite what you say).

I feel like i’ll regret writing all this sometime soon.

I feel broken.

I haven’t talked to one friend yet whose advice hasn’t been to give up; that you’ll forever continue to hurt me.

I love you. And no matter how much I elaborate on it, they never understand.

I picked a great time to start talking about rejoicing in sufferings…

If anyone wants to pray for something…this might have given you an idea

Oh what a heart desires to tell
Oh what a place for a mind to dwell
Oh what pain is behind every smile
Oh what a place to be stuck for a while

I heard them laugh at the way I walked
And I searched for hope in this
But found none and it never stops

All I wanted was to belong
So I was begging to differ
And pleading to be wrong

Then I found out what this life can bring
And to share in the glory
Is to share in the suffering

And someone spoke up loud
Said the world hated Him
Before it ever sought me out

And I do not belong here
I can find my hope because
Through all this I persevere

So I rejoice in my suffering
Even with no fruit on the vines
For your love is everlasting

Oh what future can this life of mine hold?
Oh what kind of story has yet to unfold?
Oh what affliction I seek to gain
Oh what a smile is behind all this pain

Scriptures:
Romans 8:17
John 15:18-19
Romans 5:3-4
Habakkuk 3:17-18
Jeremiah 31:3