Top Ten Reasons 2 Love You

(figured i’d balance out my blog, its an email to matt, cute)

10.  You have to prettiest eyes and the cutest smile

9.  You can make delicious food

8.  You can hold me the entire night

7.  You download things I want, in ways i can’t entail, like snails

6.  You can teach me physics, and I understand, and pay attention

5.  You tell me i’m not crazy, and listen to what i have to say

4.  You are in engineering, and that’s hott

3.  I can have a panic attack and you actually help me, and let me curl up in a ball on you and cry

2.  We can talk about anything and everything

1.  Regardless of all the bad and odd, you still love me for who i am and i love you too

This summer has been a real rollercoaster for me, in more ways than emotions.  Of which, I still need to post the paper I wrote, it might help.  I’ve been resisting blogging about this, but, alas, I hit that mood where I feel I must.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.  I hate this, but maybe I should just deal with it.  Come to some conclusions too.  Let me describe something to you:

Today was a good example.  I slept in until 1 pm, I slept for 13 hours.  Fantastic right?  Thought so.  Felt good for about an hour, still in that “i just woke up” daze.   Decide that i’m kinda hungry.  I bathe because it had been days, put on some clothes, thought a bit too much about the jeans i’d wear.  Something feels a bit off.  I ignore this, i could just be tired from oversleeping.  I get to the store, and I see this girl I know, she’s really cool.  I just happen to be pulling down the lane that she’s on.  She doesn’t see me.  Thank God, my heart was rushing.  Why didn’t I want to talk to her?  I don’t know, anxiety, I park on the far opposite side wal-mart, just so I can avoid the situation.  That sucked, felt bad.  I still feel a bit off.  I walk inside, and it hits me.  I don’t feel good.  I just want to curl up and sleep.  This really sucks.  I text my boyfriend.  Still feel bad.  Trying to ignore it.  I find some meaningless food that might make me feel important or like I did something useful with my time.  I look at everything with a pessimistic view.  I’m so annoyed with everyone and everything around me.  Matt asks if I’m doing ok, am i?  I don’t even know anymore.  I’m functioning, yes, I can walk around and try to cover up the way i feel on the inside, but when you look inside…I’m screaming and dying.  It’s the worst feeling in the world, and even worse to know it’s something wrong with your brain that caused it.  By this point I realize i’m depressed.  I hate it.  Why haven’t the doctors got me in yet?  I wonder why they would torment me like this.  Don’t they see what’s happening?  This isn’t something to play around with, it’s very serious.  Literally life or death, depending.  I talk to Matt, feel a bit better, I’m distracted in my mind, this is good.

It’s a game, of sorts.  Who wins?  The disorder or the one held captive?  It’s really terrible to think about it, in complete seriousness.  Not only do I feel like I’m hiding things all the time from every person I know and love, but I feel like it’s hiding me.  Daily, I wake up scared.  Am I going to have a good day?  Am I going to be so manicy I blow my whole bank account, jump off buildings, or say mean things to my friends?  Am I going to get out of bed or not, because i’m so depressed?  Do i care about the world today?  Do I care about myself today?  Will I make progress on this ongoing war in my mind without damaging my heart so much?  These questions and more plague me daily, hourly, all day long.  And will, for the rest of my life, which in itself is extremely depressing.

Particuraley, depressing things are looking at others.  I’m 19.  And perhaps, not much is expected of me.  But then a lot is.  There is a wide spectrum of what is legit and normal for girls my age.  And I realize, everyone is different, there is no normal, etc.  However, let’s look at some younger humans.  I look at kids that are 13 or 14.  They look capable.  And when I speak of this, i mean social situations, housework of sorts, and basic abilities.  I can do a lot, but then I feel as if I can’t.  Sometimes, I really feel incapable of doing the laundry, even though it’s been a month.  Sometimes something in my mind just isn’t working properly for me to do these things that i see as normal.  My functionability has decreased as the disorder increases if I chart that properly.  I feel like a child.  I truly hate this.  I am not a child, but I am treated as one, because I function like one at times.  My ability to deal with money falls into this a lot.  I honestly can’t function my money.  I try, really hard, I do, but I can’t do it.  I can’t explain it.   But it’s really tough to explain to others (like my parents who somehow still back me up when i fail), and to other’s because I feel terrible about it.

I just changed my facebook status to “Mari Mawby is not to be left without adult supervision”.  It’s funny, yes, but speaks truth as well.  It’s awful, because I want to be able to function on my own, do things, you know?  I don’t want to NEED to be looked after as though I will do harm to myself if not.  I do not mind having company at all, but what if i didn’t?  It scares me to believe myself to be on my own.  It used to be my dream to have my own things, and do things all by myself.  And then, the diagnoses shot all those to hell.  I realized that being on my own is in fact dangerous.  It’s scary.  Right now I sit upstairs, while my parents downstairs, and I feel a bit frightened as to what might happen if they weren’t.  I know myself well enough that I would never harm myself.  But does the disorder within change that?  I don’t know.

It’s scary not knowing.  I wish i knew more.  I wish the doctors would  hurry themselves up and get me in.  Everyday I sit and wait, it gets worse.  And I can explain that too.  I think.  Before, if i felt off or depressed, I assumed it was very situational, and got my mind as far away from it as possible, seeing that it is unacceptable and bad to be depressed.  It worked most the time.  Thoughtwise anyways.  Running from it was good for my mind, and trust me, I ran away a lot.  Now though, I realize that it Does happen.  And I know it’s something wrong with the structure and chemistry of my brain, and that it’s not someone saying something, or something doing something making me feel this way.  There is no one to blame, no where to run from it besides my books and projects, and phone calls to distract me.  The distractions needed are so expansive that it’s very hard to do.

Maybe my idea of adult is a bit different than others.  I always assumed I would be an adult when I felt as if I were.  Yet, that’s wrong.  Seeing as to what I am dealing with, I do go about it in an adult manner.  I don’t see this though, because my state of reality and conscious is typically not standard, and things are of a fog to me.  I think perhaps, my adulthood is going to be radically different from those of all my friends and all else.  It keeps things interesting to say the least.

My hopes are that medication helps with this a lot.  This past month or more has been hell for me.  Luckily, for myself, I met the nicest guy ever who loves me even if i’m crazy.  He may say i’m not, even when I know I am, and that’s sweet.  I wish he could be the cure for me, but I do need help.  Glad I realized this, glad i’m on the path to recieving help and better health.  Hopefully things go well in school this year around.

<3 Marclam

I’ve always wondered why my life has felt like a movie, or the lack there-of at times.  It’s been a painful joyride.  Some days, I can’t even tell what’s real.  I make irrational decisions at the drop of a hat.  Hour to hour it’s a roller coaster to a new destination.  All of these things i’ve been complaining about, attempting to draw conclusions from for years are finally starting to make sense.  I can’t say that i’ve got it all down, but the groundwork has been laid.  Changes are apt to happen, but I think I have a good basis to work on.

At times i feel like i am on top of the world, my creativity is so extreme that it’s nearly scary.  My mind races at speeds that are ridiculous, and i frequently get headaches from it.  These times are sort of fantastic, and it’s generally hard to recall because when i come off my mountain, i refrain from what went down.  My success is nearly entirely in thanks of these times.  My worst regrets however are as well.

So, what am i to do?

I can medicate to take care of the major cons of this…but there are some concerns too.  I need to take care of the inability to focus in classes and in homework/projects.  Impulsiveness needs to be taken care of too, which comes from the highs of it all.  The lows need to be considered too.  Fish oil may work but only does so much.  The idea of potentially zombie-fying me out scares me, i dont want anything touching my intelligence level.  However…where does the trade off occur?  The lack of functionability in my life is so extreme that taking a shower when i simply want to, is a terrible task.  So something is needed.

It’s nice to know that there is answers out there though that adhd simply didnt cover.  However, this only spells out a more difficult future.  Adhd = give me drugs & call it good.  what’s goin down = medicine, therapy, constant need for support etc.  Which sucks, i realllly despise it.  But eh, i guess i just need to accept it because there isn’t crap i can do towards that besides getting on with it all.

Looking to the bright side…

Many succesful people, CEOs, adventurers, band members, inventors have the same shizzle going on.  In fact, it is almost a gift (if controlled properly).  I always knew i was odd.  Different.  maybe a little to imaginative.  But sometimes this is great.  This is my joy.  I can entertain myself so easily, and others too.  I recall other people mentioning how difficult it was to get on my level of strange thinking, and to communicate with me.  But i think a lot of that is malarky.  It’s a matter of finding the path.  I can be difficult, but that’s who i am, and i dont view myself that way, and i hope others don’t either.

Any questions, just find me.

A lot has been going on lately, and it seems that I don’t feel like i could even describe what is going on.  Everyone who reads this probably knows me, and probably knows me very well.  i originally intended on telling you guys what i wanted to say here, but then i reconsidered…because 1) i dont want the whole world knowing, 2) I don’t really want anyone for that matter knowing 3) I’m not actually going to tell on here, or in person probably for that matter, no offense 4) its a real touchy issue that i can’t even come to grips about yet.

I’m still seriously hesitating writing this because it seems like everytime i do write about what’s up i either, make it sound better than it is, make it confusing, give too much detail, etc.  But in all reality, i guess this is ending up as an apology.  And i again apologize for not being able to tell yall at this time what is actually up, just please bear with me.

Lately…I’ve pushed myself away from all life.  Honestly, i just can’t deal with it all anymore.  Yes, i can still function like humans do and yes, i’m still crazy, creative, smart, and your all around kook (which i love, and i hope you do too).  But things haven’t been so great lately.  And i’m really trying to put this in a way everyone can understand it from my POV.

Starting back in April-ish, i began testing for ADHD, this really sucked because 1) I had to actually admit something was Actually wrong, and that i wasn’t like i thought i was.  This Really took a toll on me, yeah i had to persue this because if not i’m done with college, wont be able to ever handle a nice job, and basically without treatment….my life would only worsen from here out.  and 2) this hurt my pride Real bad.  Maybe i do have pride issues time to time, but everyone has to have some sort of pride, some sort of self-esteem.  This shot right out the window of whatever was left.  Atleast when i was in my classes i thought i just was missing the point, or was just “dumb”.  However, this has been found to not be true.  I’m not dumb, but there is a road block.

This whole summer has sent me to a different level.  Im discovering that Eventually, i can’t imagine that i’m “la de da” in a field of ponies whenever i feel blue or zone out to that place when i can’t comprehend.  No, I gotta deal with it.  And trust me, it sucks, I don’t want to do it.  I’ve nearly given up every other day.

The thing is,  I am trying, and I have been trying for years…maybe you say try harder, and trust me, i do…no one has any idea what goes down in my mind.  However.  Knowing all this to be true, what is there to do?  Seek more help, because I can no longer help myself in this process…find people who can.  And i did.

It’s been a long freakin process working with the services on campus, but i’m very thankful they take the time to get to know me, and try to see the big picture.  And they did.  And i did get results to some extent.

My psych refered me out from the campus services to another place in town, because they specialize in what i need.  It’s reallly scary seeing what is in front of me.  And i still haven’t come to grips with it yet.  Being told what i was told is not something anyone ever wants to hear, and i would pay to go back and make it all not happen.

I honestly don’t know what is going to happen from here on out, but i do know that i’ll be getting a lot of help along the way.  It sucks because, i feel like i have to write this to get this off my chest, but i don’t want to say what’s going on.  I didn’t see it coming at all, in fact, denial is my best friend right now…but that wont get me anywhere either.

What i need, is for people to be there…and i realize this is hard to do when im hiding things from you…but really, just trust me for now, i will tell you when i know more.  I realize i push away from my friends All the time.  I realize i pick fights i dont wanna fight for no reason at all.  I realize i get really weird around people, and not in my normal mari-ized sort of way.  And realize, that i hate this.  It’s not me, atleast, not the part i identify with.  Perhaps some of you have seen the exponential increase of these events in the last few years.  Yeah, so have i.  It’s at the point where something must be done.  Remember that there is always a line between everyone and not normal…and that line is wither it impairs your life.  Well, it does.  I honestly try to make it not, but things dont go the way i try to make them go.

I want things to do be dandy.  I’d absolutely love to just sit and chat and not have feeling wavering over my head.  And i’ll get there,  It’s just gonna take some work and some help.  And please, please just bear with me.  I’m really sorry for the way things are, it bugs me constantly, but realize…i can’t just snap, and make things awesome.  If i did, it would be a lie.  Progress must be made in the small things, which add up to the large.  I wanna be real and legit.

I can more fully explain this when i do know more, and then deliver a more personalized and less vague message.  Just dont make assumptions or judgements yet.  I just wrote this in hopes that someone understands.

Marclam

So, in follow up of my last post, I took some action, saw some professionals, confirmation has been made, but in short, i can’t get medicine (which is kind of important, and i’m really trying to sound as not drug dependent as possible here), until i see someone that can do that, because apparently paola really sucks lol.

Anyways, so, confirmation was a bit of a relief, but also such a curse.

Again i reinstate my state of shock and annoyance.  A lot of people have been understanding, mostly my close friends, but others…i’m not even sure where to begin with my list of griefs.   So i really won’t, to an extent.

I realize i’m a very impulsive person, and quickly dive deep into stuff and then fade, heh but don’t you realize that’s why i want help?  That’s not who i want to be.  There’s way more to it, if you have time, take a look.  Think it sucks having to deal with knowing me?  It sucks worse to be dealing with it.

It’s nice to put a name and what not to my constant struggles of the last several years.   Granted, i still feel awful, which makes me feel even worse.  I should be happy right?  Right?  I’m not.

Granted, I feel a bit better in the department that i know its not completely my fault.  I mean, I’m doing the best I can.

I yelled at my mom for hours earlier, to the point of tears coming out of tears.  Again, i’m encouraged to drop my dreams because of the way I am.  I’m doing all I can dude…Sure, I could study everyday, til i can’t think straight…oh wait, i do.  Every effort i make seems to be beaten, and i have to try harder.  I realize that medicine isn’t gonna just magically fix this, duh.  I’m not stupid lol, but, a start to something hopefully better.

I’m actually really scared.  What’s it like to feel like “normal” people? haha, lame, i know.  But i wonder, it scares me.  I guess i’m ready, i mean, if i want any hope for doing well with any of my goals/plans in life i kinda need to do this.

This was very random, and i need to do my math

so, when i have a structured entry i suppose ill post lol

I’m gonna cut to the chase, basically…i’ve decided that i can’t go any longer without figuring out why i can’t focus. Everyone has read my blogs about how i wish i could be motivated, could focus on stuff, finish my goals, finish a project for once…study less and be more efficient. Pushing social stigmas aside, i think i have to do whats best for me, and asap.

I think its pretty safe to say, that most people don’t take me seriously. I know i come across as a jumble minded, unorganized, over-ambitious-yet-never-gets-anything-done kinda girl. And you know what, quite frankly, i’m sick of it. I’ve always wanted to just be able to show people that i am dedicated and hardworking, but everytime i get to doing something i never finish it, never get anywhere.

It’s not because i don’t want to, not at all, the things i do i’m actually really interested in (or else i wouldn’t be doing them), i feel like its because i can’t. And i’m not gonna go around self diagnosing myself with anything, i’m very serious about this. I’m seriously sick of this “fog”, as i know i’ve called it many times over, that keeps me from acheiving what i desire most.

I have serious issues paying attention. I have serious issues following instructions given by mouth or on paper, less so on paper. Heh, i’ve made so many building plans, and had so many awesome ideas that i’ve never pulled through on. I have to do something about it, for myself and especially my professional career.

I’m not sure which is better to explain first, but whatever, you will get the story regardless, just dont judge the order on what you think.

Basically, i ask my mom if insurance covers the kinda stuff i wanna get checked out, and…as usual…i should have known, my mother treats me like i’m some sort of freak. This actaully isnt typical for the time being, me and my mom have been cool for quite a bit now. About an hour later, she texts me “have you ever thought engineering wasn’t for you?”.

Alright, this seems like a question of random to most of you probably. But from my mom and i’s relationship standpoint, and my life ambitions, nothing else in the world could be more offensive. Not only does she have no idea within a millionth of my life goals with engineering, and how i breathe for innovation, she has no idea how difficult achieving this degree is. My dad does, and actually, he’s pretty supportive. I seriously am not sure if i have ever been more offended in my life, by my own mother at that. I know, i know, this sounds like nothing, but if you see where my heart is coming from on this, it makes more sense. I don’t exactly expect anyone to know how deeply i feel towards my field of interest.

To update the situation, i call her tonight inquiring about the details i didn’t get yesterday. Again, i was even more harshly met, like i was being shunned from the family. She says “me and your dad were talking, we think you should switch out of engineering, dad says it requires focus and i guess you dont have that”. Hollllllllly crap…i was ENRAGED, and i’m not exactly a person to get completely enraged, but boy was there steam and streams of tears. My DAD said that. Do they think i think i have some sort of malignant incurable cancer? I’m not dying! My goodness, there are simple simple ways to fix attention problems.

My whole life, i was raised to believe that nothing could possibly be wrong with me, physically, psychologically, anything…in which, this pressure to Not be, probably motivated me to Be more, and maybe i pulled some lesser stunts for some loving attention, who doesn’t. And problems probably went unfixed. And to even say this crap, especially on the internet is a lot, but alas, its all frusterating and i must share. My parents aren’t against medicine or anything. But it takes a damn lot of convincing and professional confrontation to make any progress whatsoever. When i wanted to get my stomach problems checked out, i had to basically drag my mom to the doctors, and leave her out of the room so i could tell the doctors what was really going on without fear of my mothers financial/social holdbacks on things of that sort. Turns out, a lot was wrong, and i did get it checked out, but in the end refused to go back because i didn’t want to upset my mother with all the financial things that went with scoping your stomach. In general, i was always very cautious to not get seriously injured, get seriously sick, or do anything that would open up all the situations in which my mother could ostracize me on.

I tell you this only because i think it accounts for the prejudice my mom sets on things like i’m concerned with now. And i would definitly be a little less pissed if i wasn’t very serious about this, and it really didn’t affect my life academically as well as socially and mentally to a very high extent.

I can be honest and say that i haven’t put a name to any of this til recently, or actually been motivated to do anything about it, (i hadn’t before because its so typical for kids to be like “omg im so ADD”, especially in robotics it seems, no offense or anything. I don’t want to be cliche, or joking about this manner at all, i hope it doesn’t appear that way.), but, looking now, if i would have done something back in highschool, at the point where i actually starting setting goals and trying in life (sophmoreish year, pre robotics mostly), things would have been a lot different. Luckily in high school, i never had to worry about homework, because it was really easy, or there just was none. But in college, things are different. I’ll be at 17 hours in the fall. I’m struggling at FIVE right now. Something, something has to change, and i’ve tried many many options.

And again, I’m really tired of studying a single subject 6 to 7 hours a day, and getting next to nothing done, every single day. Sure, i could change locations, elimanate as many distractions…but thing is, i’ve already tried these, and they have helped to extents, but this issue is becoming such a problem that i’m near academic probation, i’m down to 5 hours, like i said, but study more than a full time student, and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’m not lazy, i work hard. I’m not uninterested, i take the things i do so deep to the heart that i’m near tears just thinking about it because i care that much for it.

But you know, i’m afraid no one will ever see that side of me. No one may ever take me seriously. I may never be as professional as i dream to be. Heck, i may never even achieve my dreams because i feel inept in different regions of my life, mostly with my focus.

So what am i gonna do? I’m gonna just honestly get a professional opinion. I mean, i’ve done all i can, and i feel like i’ve failed. I don’t take failure as an option well at all. So i have to do what i have to do i guess. I dunno what will become of the situation, maybe change of habits, medicine, help, maybe all of that, i dunno. But i do know, if i can feel the same focus, for even just a day, i felt that one single night of my life when i had a TON of caffeine pills, and did math until 4 in the morning, i would probably be the happiest person ever. No joke.

Heh, i don’t want the only serious side you guys ever see of me to be in a blog, i’d like to be a real person too

Don’t you realize i deceive you?

I stand before you and hide something inside me

Either way you look at me, the lies are all the same

Every vantage point picks out just more to see

I can’t win at this game

and everytime i play, the outcome changes

but the pieces have all the same intentions, not paths

I beg to be saved and helped

I thought i was

Now when i scream from proof

I find myself alone, scared

I dunno where i’m going

But if anything is real,

Don’t let me go alone

So, When trying to compare my life to something familiar, i thought of either Star wars or Robots.  But starwars relates more.  Eh, just read

Lately i just feel, weird.  Like i can’t explain it.  My faith sucks, no lies there.  I suck, no lies there either, lack of motivation, no care, just self pity and blehness all around.  I’m not really even sure what to do.  I’m not even sure i want to do anything half the time.  And the more i feel this way, the more i hate the way things turn out, and in turn, the more i hate myself.  I just wish i could get myself out of this rut.

To be honest, i kinda forgot how i was planning on comparing this to starwars, but some of it goes like this.  Anakin struggled for selfish reasons, and in turn went to the dark side.  He thought he was so right, and it killed him.  Thats not reallly the comparison i was going for, but sometimes i feel the same way.  I know i’m selfish, very.  And i know i do a ton of crap wrong, tonnnssss.  When i lay there at night, i feel awful about myself, for just the things i thought.  Like, seriously, what am i doing?  lol.  I’m not a child, i know right from wrong.  And i Blatently ignore it, i do, all of it.

I was talking to a friend the other night, and the words actually came from my mouth, i said that i “just felt like doing my own thing”.  GEESH!  Who am i?  lol.  I mean yeah sure, doing your own thing, being yourself is great, awesome, but thats not what i meant.  I meant entirely.

It’s not that i want to fall away, but even worse, i dont want to get close.  I feel kinda lost in this zone where i dunno if my  Padme will make it.  I dunno if i’ll make it.

I feel like i’m being tested.  And we all know, im bad at testing.  Bad on paper, worse in life.  I don’t want to fail.  I mean i guess i won’t, i mean i know i won’t.  But i can still feel like i wont slash dont.

In a large portion, i’m wondering where my life is going.  Just the moment you think you got it ALL figured out, it all comes crashing in.  I was so excited to get into my major, and yeah i love it.  Still do, but then the challenge of paying for it comes up.  And all of the stress and anxiety i thought i put behind me last year (err stress/stomach problems) come back like they never went away.  And i sit there and direct my anger at someone who will gladly take it, but its not a good sort of anger.  and yeah yeah yeah, just let go and trust.  What do you think im trying to do? lol.

I read captivating, and boy was i captivated, so excited.  And then i got to the end, and i didnt care at all.  This left me pretty heart broken, i mean….i didnt even care.  Who am i?  Do i know?  I thought i did.  Obviously i have some growing to do.  Well, obviously lol, but more than intended.

Maybe its the fact that im being Forced to be very responsible right now that i feel like i’m failing.  Again, trials, of the sort that hit hard too.  I guess i’ve been let off too easy before though.  The crap i’m dealing with now Really sucks, no lies and no over exagerations.   It’s really tough trying to do stuff thats hard for even adults to do, be a student, and attempt to be normal.  And by normal i mean not angry and depressed all the time.  It would be quite the day when mari mawby is heh normal.

And dude, i hate being adult.  And doing adult things.  I like to keep a nice separation in planes of those.  I realize im gonna have to do adult things in my life, but nooo way will i be an “adult” and read newspapers, and discuss them, or discuss how car insurances are horrible, or or or…the way the town water plans are just overpriced, i dont even know, i dont bother.  It seriously scares me lol.  I think when that sorta crap approaches, i runnnn and revert to extreme childhood, which quite frankly is way more awesome than what it appears to be an adult.

This blog is entirely random complaints from me, but hey, my blog, my domain.

You know, sometimes i dont feel like i’m even in college.  Like, i don’t feel mature enough for it, and with the previous said, well duh.  Lol, maybe i just have high expectations though.  Or maybe i’m just young, or maybe i just don’t hang out in the right spots.  Sometimes i feel like i’m just walking through this life with a clouded hallway in front of me.  I don’t really take notice to stuff.  Stuff i should sometimes, stuff i wouldn’t know, because i feel this way, and then i guess it blocks out the bad pretty well.  I don’t mean to say i’m narrow minded, because i don’t think myself that way.  (with the exception to the puns i make at liberal arts kids lol).  Heh, maybe things aren’t supposed to be what i assume, i guess it makes life a little more…entertaining?

On a good note however.  I do feel a bit of heart in something i thought i lost.  I’m not sure where the motivation comes from, perhaps a missing of the joy it bring, but i actually care about the environment again.  I even busted out the windmill plans i intended for the summer.  This is like the only thing that keeps me hoping lol.

I’m excited to work with my dad on stuff.  He’s a really cool guy, and i’m sad to say i really dont know him.  And its very interesting that growing up, we never talked, really, cept to do math and what not.  And i end up being the one with a total heart for engineering.  I find that ironic and very planned lol.  We have some pretty conversations about nuclear power.  He has such vast knowledge, its really cool.  He’s so smart, and you’d never really know lol.  It is cool to finally be able to talk about derivitives haha, i’ve been hearing about them since i was 5.  And now i play with autocad for real, instead of just making stupid shapes like i did when i was in kindergarten lol.

This is quite random.  Hmmm, i should wrap this up so i can leave java break lol.

In conclusion.  Lol, i’m once again lost on this trail called life.  Attempting to find my way, and do it right.  Um.  Nuclear power is neat.  I like robots.  I complain a lot, again, my blog, my rules lol.  And i think way too much.

Night yall

Livestock a major threat to environment

Remedies urgently needed

29 November 2006, Rome - Which causes more greenhouse gas emissions, rearing cattle or driving cars?

Surprise!

According to a new report published by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization, the livestock sector generates more greenhouse gas emissions as measured in CO2 equivalent – 18 percent – than transport. It is also a major source of land and water degradation.

Says Henning Steinfeld, Chief of FAO’s Livestock Information and Policy Branch and senior author of the report: “Livestock are one of the most significant contributors to today’s most serious environmental problems. Urgent action is required to remedy the situation.”

With increased prosperity, people are consuming more meat and dairy products every year. Global meat production is projected to more than double from 229 million tonnes in 1999/2001 to 465 million tonnes in 2050, while milk output is set to climb from 580 to 1043 million tonnes.

Long shadow

The global livestock sector is growing faster than any other agricultural sub-sector. It provides livelihoods to about 1.3 billion people and contributes about 40 percent to global agricultural output. For many poor farmers in developing countries livestock are also a source of renewable energy for draft and an essential source of organic fertilizer for their crops.

But such rapid growth exacts a steep environmental price, according to the FAO report, Livestock’s Long Shadow –Environmental Issues and Options. “The environmental costs per unit of livestock production must be cut by one half, just to avoid the level of damage worsening beyond its present level,” it warns.

When emissions from land use and land use change are included, the livestock sector accounts for 9 percent of CO2 deriving from human-related activities, but produces a much larger share of even more harmful greenhouse gases. It generates 65 percent of human-related nitrous oxide, which has 296 times the Global Warming Potential (GWP) of CO2. Most of this comes from manure.

And it accounts for respectively 37 percent of all human-induced methane (23 times as warming as CO2), which is largely produced by the digestive system of ruminants, and 64 percent of ammonia, which contributes significantly to acid rain.

Livestock now use 30 percent of the earth’s entire land surface, mostly permanent pasture but also including 33 percent of the global arable land used to producing feed for livestock, the report notes. As forests are cleared to create new pastures, it is a major driver of deforestation, especially in Latin America where, for example, some 70 percent of former forests in the Amazon have been turned over to grazing.

Land and water

At the same time herds cause wide-scale land degradation, with about 20 percent of pastures considered as degraded through overgrazing, compaction and erosion. This figure is even higher in the drylands where inappropriate policies and inadequate livestock management contribute to advancing desertification.

The livestock business is among the most damaging sectors to the earth’s increasingly scarce water resources, contributing among other things to water pollution, euthropication and the degeneration of coral reefs. The major polluting agents are animal wastes, antibiotics and hormones, chemicals from tanneries, fertilizers and the pesticides used to spray feed crops. Widespread overgrazing disturbs water cycles, reducing replenishment of above and below ground water resources. Significant amounts of water are withdrawn for the production of feed.

Livestock are estimated to be the main inland source of phosphorous and nitrogen contamination of the South China Sea, contributing to biodiversity loss in marine ecosystems.

Meat and dairy animals now account for about 20 percent of all terrestrial animal biomass. Livestock’s presence in vast tracts of land and its demand for feed crops also contribute to biodiversity loss; 15 out of 24 important ecosystem services are assessed as in decline, with livestock identified as a culprit.

Remedies

The report, which was produced with the support of the multi-institutional Livestock, Environment and Development (LEAD) Initiative, proposes explicitly to consider these environmental costs and suggests a number of ways of remedying the situation, including:

Land degradation – controlling access and removing obstacles to mobility on common pastures. Use of soil conservation methods and silvopastoralism, together with controlled livestock exclusion from sensitive areas; payment schemes for environmental services in livestock-based land use to help reduce and reverse land degradation.

Atmosphere and climate – increasing the efficiency of livestock production and feed crop agriculture. Improving animals’ diets to reduce enteric fermentation and consequent methane emissions, and setting up biogas plant initiatives to recycle manure.

Water – improving the efficiency of irrigation systems. Introducing full-cost pricing for water together with taxes to discourage large-scale livestock concentration close to cities.

These and related questions are the focus of discussions between FAO and its partners meeting to chart the way forward for livestock production at global consultations in Bangkok this week. These discussions also include the substantial public health risks related to the rapid livestock sector growth as, increasingly, animal diseases also affect humans; rapid livestock sector growth can also lead to the exclusion of smallholders from growing markets.

http://www.fao.org/newsroom/en/news/2006/1000448/index.html

Get it?  ln cabin…. LOG CABIN….C…Sea….Water….cabin in water! HOUSEBOAT

and i actually had a fairly decent blog here…but it neglected to save my draft.

Recap i guess.

I declared my love of math, regardless at however horrid i am at testing.

but the coolest part…my dream

i was sleeping, and calculated the cubed root of 17.76 (very random) in my head…and mind you, this was weeks before we learned anything close to this.  And i was still in awe and a bit bored so i decided to check my answer a few nights later.  To my surprise, and really complete shock, i was right.  Up to like 3 decimals actually.  How cool is that?

Same thing in 4th grade, i learned division in my dreams.  I had a hell of a time sleeping a night, but i guess…i need to be thinking about that ha.

Very odd indeed.

The other thing…i was driving tonight, back to lawrence, listening to quite the assortment of music.  and it hit me.  I imagined all the waves of the sounds all around me.  No, i was not drugged lol, just very excited about waves lol.  Geez i sound really freakin nerdy.  I guess i shouldnt have made fun of my math teacher last semester for being in awe of the cosine wave lol.  Hmm

I sleep NOW!