As we all know what happened to our good friend Matt Farmer, it’s been really hard for most of us to deal with, I myself included. It makes more sense now, but still no sense. I feel sad, i feel numb, i feel…i don’t know how i feel most of the time. I don’t even know what to say either. I sit and just feel this pain inside that i can’t compare.

I still find it hard to believe, i would rather not believe it. I find myself trying to live in a very unrealistic world the majority of the time, because it offers me protection and self preservation. When i heard about this, the walls were bashed down. Reality tried to enter my fortress. I don’t know what the better thing to do would be. Does holding fort mean i’m not dealing with it? Or is that my way of dealing with it?

I really, really, just have nothing to say. I do, i guess, i just, have no words to say what i feel. Not even in my mind. Maybe it’s that i don’t know what i feel yet. I’m so used to logic, and deriving answers, that’s my life, my process, my career. This doesn’t match, it has no real answer.

I’m kinda just rambling, but i’m thinking if i just keep writing i’ll figure out what i’m trying to say.

I just…am really hurting….and i know others are too, and i know i should talk with them…i just, can’t.

I suppose I can’t live in my make believe world forever
i’ll write again