Imagination has taken me many places in my life.

Career wise, having an imagination is great, creativeness is key. Human Relation wise, sometimes its gotten the better of me. I realize I wouldn’t be Mari Mawby if i didn’t have such a vivid imagination. But i wonder, sometimes, am i using it right? Too much? In the wrong situations? so.

In past times i can remember, my imagination helped me to escape the reality around me. It still does, i mean, but as i recall times when i’ve used it as a tool. Is this okay to do?

I mean…Sometimes i avoid reading fictional books because they remind me so much of the way i am. It scares me i think. It takes me to new worlds, the one i’m not wanting to be in.

I find myself wanting away again.

The reasons are various, probably pretty guessable if i’ve talked to you.

Maybe i just suck at dealing with life. I mean, i guess i do, why else would i try to “vanish”. Granted, every other time i have left (in the sense of understanding that when i say that, i dont mean physically, just emotionally i suppose)…every other time i have left, its worked. I mean, i got over whatever it is that i felt needed overing. So am i right to do this? I mean, pushing people away is probably wrong….but what else am i to do?

I gotta get outa here!

I’m in the search of what’s real in this life. Very few people appear really real to me. When i have a friend, i intend to know all of them, and that goes for everyone, and i know i won’t ever know all. But most of you, i know Quite a bit i think, for my standards anyways.

I only say that because i define my friends as one of the only Real things i know.

I guess there’s really only 3 things i know to be real. Math/Science…Friends…and Camels (ha). Is there anything else real? Am i missing a huge picture sitting somewhere thats completely obvious, but i have my eyes so…covered…that i don’t see it? I really don’t know.

Some of this definitly comes from my overviewing of movies. I watch WAY too many movies, and judge life off them WAY too much. All they show you is”: This is the way you fall in love, this is how you deal with fights, this is how you treat others, this is how you are to be”. And granted, they can’t all be completely wrong. This feeds my imagination way too much.

Lots of positive comes from this, but most of the time, i find myself judging a situation by what i saw on the simpsons, or the way that lady did it in the last movie i saw. I don’t feel REAL when i do this. That’s not ME deciding things, thats something else. I’m tired of it.

I feel so…sad?…or something, that i feel inept in this. My vision on the world is soo skewed by what i Hope to be real, and what it really is. I’m tired of protecting myself with my imaginary fortress, i’m really tired of pushing people away, and i’m really tired of the crash and burns that come when i do let those walls down.

Eh, and…I do pray about it, but geez lol, i don’t even know how to put this into words to ask, i mean…i know He knows, but if i can’t say what i really mean…then do i even know waht i need help on? Stumping huh?

I guess one day i may sort reality from imaginary. I don’t intend to be stuck in this pool of confusion forever, but as of the 19 years so far…i’ve just swam deeper in. Someone gimme a snorkel so i don’t drown. Well, uh, i guess this didn’t really conclude anything, but got some ideas out there.<3

If the wind knew how it made me feel, what do you think it would do?

If i could tell the stars how much i want them, do you think i’d get one?

Is it a surprise that i’m ridiculously shy when it comes to saying what i mean?

hmmm….perhaps i’ll always be with out words, or perhaps i’ll make a fool of myself. Either way…

How do you tell someone to climb a mountain you’ve been over a few times with good intentions?

How do i not be selfish when someone else is in pain and i wanna fix it?

What is it that makes me try when i want to give up so bad?

Why don’t i?

I don’t know…