I’m gonna cut to the chase, basically…i’ve decided that i can’t go any longer without figuring out why i can’t focus. Everyone has read my blogs about how i wish i could be motivated, could focus on stuff, finish my goals, finish a project for once…study less and be more efficient. Pushing social stigmas aside, i think i have to do whats best for me, and asap.

I think its pretty safe to say, that most people don’t take me seriously. I know i come across as a jumble minded, unorganized, over-ambitious-yet-never-gets-anything-done kinda girl. And you know what, quite frankly, i’m sick of it. I’ve always wanted to just be able to show people that i am dedicated and hardworking, but everytime i get to doing something i never finish it, never get anywhere.

It’s not because i don’t want to, not at all, the things i do i’m actually really interested in (or else i wouldn’t be doing them), i feel like its because i can’t. And i’m not gonna go around self diagnosing myself with anything, i’m very serious about this. I’m seriously sick of this “fog”, as i know i’ve called it many times over, that keeps me from acheiving what i desire most.

I have serious issues paying attention. I have serious issues following instructions given by mouth or on paper, less so on paper. Heh, i’ve made so many building plans, and had so many awesome ideas that i’ve never pulled through on. I have to do something about it, for myself and especially my professional career.

I’m not sure which is better to explain first, but whatever, you will get the story regardless, just dont judge the order on what you think.

Basically, i ask my mom if insurance covers the kinda stuff i wanna get checked out, and…as usual…i should have known, my mother treats me like i’m some sort of freak. This actaully isnt typical for the time being, me and my mom have been cool for quite a bit now. About an hour later, she texts me “have you ever thought engineering wasn’t for you?”.

Alright, this seems like a question of random to most of you probably. But from my mom and i’s relationship standpoint, and my life ambitions, nothing else in the world could be more offensive. Not only does she have no idea within a millionth of my life goals with engineering, and how i breathe for innovation, she has no idea how difficult achieving this degree is. My dad does, and actually, he’s pretty supportive. I seriously am not sure if i have ever been more offended in my life, by my own mother at that. I know, i know, this sounds like nothing, but if you see where my heart is coming from on this, it makes more sense. I don’t exactly expect anyone to know how deeply i feel towards my field of interest.

To update the situation, i call her tonight inquiring about the details i didn’t get yesterday. Again, i was even more harshly met, like i was being shunned from the family. She says “me and your dad were talking, we think you should switch out of engineering, dad says it requires focus and i guess you dont have that”. Hollllllllly crap…i was ENRAGED, and i’m not exactly a person to get completely enraged, but boy was there steam and streams of tears. My DAD said that. Do they think i think i have some sort of malignant incurable cancer? I’m not dying! My goodness, there are simple simple ways to fix attention problems.

My whole life, i was raised to believe that nothing could possibly be wrong with me, physically, psychologically, anything…in which, this pressure to Not be, probably motivated me to Be more, and maybe i pulled some lesser stunts for some loving attention, who doesn’t. And problems probably went unfixed. And to even say this crap, especially on the internet is a lot, but alas, its all frusterating and i must share. My parents aren’t against medicine or anything. But it takes a damn lot of convincing and professional confrontation to make any progress whatsoever. When i wanted to get my stomach problems checked out, i had to basically drag my mom to the doctors, and leave her out of the room so i could tell the doctors what was really going on without fear of my mothers financial/social holdbacks on things of that sort. Turns out, a lot was wrong, and i did get it checked out, but in the end refused to go back because i didn’t want to upset my mother with all the financial things that went with scoping your stomach. In general, i was always very cautious to not get seriously injured, get seriously sick, or do anything that would open up all the situations in which my mother could ostracize me on.

I tell you this only because i think it accounts for the prejudice my mom sets on things like i’m concerned with now. And i would definitly be a little less pissed if i wasn’t very serious about this, and it really didn’t affect my life academically as well as socially and mentally to a very high extent.

I can be honest and say that i haven’t put a name to any of this til recently, or actually been motivated to do anything about it, (i hadn’t before because its so typical for kids to be like “omg im so ADD”, especially in robotics it seems, no offense or anything. I don’t want to be cliche, or joking about this manner at all, i hope it doesn’t appear that way.), but, looking now, if i would have done something back in highschool, at the point where i actually starting setting goals and trying in life (sophmoreish year, pre robotics mostly), things would have been a lot different. Luckily in high school, i never had to worry about homework, because it was really easy, or there just was none. But in college, things are different. I’ll be at 17 hours in the fall. I’m struggling at FIVE right now. Something, something has to change, and i’ve tried many many options.

And again, I’m really tired of studying a single subject 6 to 7 hours a day, and getting next to nothing done, every single day. Sure, i could change locations, elimanate as many distractions…but thing is, i’ve already tried these, and they have helped to extents, but this issue is becoming such a problem that i’m near academic probation, i’m down to 5 hours, like i said, but study more than a full time student, and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’m not lazy, i work hard. I’m not uninterested, i take the things i do so deep to the heart that i’m near tears just thinking about it because i care that much for it.

But you know, i’m afraid no one will ever see that side of me. No one may ever take me seriously. I may never be as professional as i dream to be. Heck, i may never even achieve my dreams because i feel inept in different regions of my life, mostly with my focus.

So what am i gonna do? I’m gonna just honestly get a professional opinion. I mean, i’ve done all i can, and i feel like i’ve failed. I don’t take failure as an option well at all. So i have to do what i have to do i guess. I dunno what will become of the situation, maybe change of habits, medicine, help, maybe all of that, i dunno. But i do know, if i can feel the same focus, for even just a day, i felt that one single night of my life when i had a TON of caffeine pills, and did math until 4 in the morning, i would probably be the happiest person ever. No joke.

Heh, i don’t want the only serious side you guys ever see of me to be in a blog, i’d like to be a real person too

Don’t you realize i deceive you?

I stand before you and hide something inside me

Either way you look at me, the lies are all the same

Every vantage point picks out just more to see

I can’t win at this game

and everytime i play, the outcome changes

but the pieces have all the same intentions, not paths

I beg to be saved and helped

I thought i was

Now when i scream from proof

I find myself alone, scared

I dunno where i’m going

But if anything is real,

Don’t let me go alone

So, When trying to compare my life to something familiar, i thought of either Star wars or Robots.  But starwars relates more.  Eh, just read

Lately i just feel, weird.  Like i can’t explain it.  My faith sucks, no lies there.  I suck, no lies there either, lack of motivation, no care, just self pity and blehness all around.  I’m not really even sure what to do.  I’m not even sure i want to do anything half the time.  And the more i feel this way, the more i hate the way things turn out, and in turn, the more i hate myself.  I just wish i could get myself out of this rut.

To be honest, i kinda forgot how i was planning on comparing this to starwars, but some of it goes like this.  Anakin struggled for selfish reasons, and in turn went to the dark side.  He thought he was so right, and it killed him.  Thats not reallly the comparison i was going for, but sometimes i feel the same way.  I know i’m selfish, very.  And i know i do a ton of crap wrong, tonnnssss.  When i lay there at night, i feel awful about myself, for just the things i thought.  Like, seriously, what am i doing?  lol.  I’m not a child, i know right from wrong.  And i Blatently ignore it, i do, all of it.

I was talking to a friend the other night, and the words actually came from my mouth, i said that i “just felt like doing my own thing”.  GEESH!  Who am i?  lol.  I mean yeah sure, doing your own thing, being yourself is great, awesome, but thats not what i meant.  I meant entirely.

It’s not that i want to fall away, but even worse, i dont want to get close.  I feel kinda lost in this zone where i dunno if my  Padme will make it.  I dunno if i’ll make it.

I feel like i’m being tested.  And we all know, im bad at testing.  Bad on paper, worse in life.  I don’t want to fail.  I mean i guess i won’t, i mean i know i won’t.  But i can still feel like i wont slash dont.

In a large portion, i’m wondering where my life is going.  Just the moment you think you got it ALL figured out, it all comes crashing in.  I was so excited to get into my major, and yeah i love it.  Still do, but then the challenge of paying for it comes up.  And all of the stress and anxiety i thought i put behind me last year (err stress/stomach problems) come back like they never went away.  And i sit there and direct my anger at someone who will gladly take it, but its not a good sort of anger.  and yeah yeah yeah, just let go and trust.  What do you think im trying to do? lol.

I read captivating, and boy was i captivated, so excited.  And then i got to the end, and i didnt care at all.  This left me pretty heart broken, i mean….i didnt even care.  Who am i?  Do i know?  I thought i did.  Obviously i have some growing to do.  Well, obviously lol, but more than intended.

Maybe its the fact that im being Forced to be very responsible right now that i feel like i’m failing.  Again, trials, of the sort that hit hard too.  I guess i’ve been let off too easy before though.  The crap i’m dealing with now Really sucks, no lies and no over exagerations.   It’s really tough trying to do stuff thats hard for even adults to do, be a student, and attempt to be normal.  And by normal i mean not angry and depressed all the time.  It would be quite the day when mari mawby is heh normal.

And dude, i hate being adult.  And doing adult things.  I like to keep a nice separation in planes of those.  I realize im gonna have to do adult things in my life, but nooo way will i be an “adult” and read newspapers, and discuss them, or discuss how car insurances are horrible, or or or…the way the town water plans are just overpriced, i dont even know, i dont bother.  It seriously scares me lol.  I think when that sorta crap approaches, i runnnn and revert to extreme childhood, which quite frankly is way more awesome than what it appears to be an adult.

This blog is entirely random complaints from me, but hey, my blog, my domain.

You know, sometimes i dont feel like i’m even in college.  Like, i don’t feel mature enough for it, and with the previous said, well duh.  Lol, maybe i just have high expectations though.  Or maybe i’m just young, or maybe i just don’t hang out in the right spots.  Sometimes i feel like i’m just walking through this life with a clouded hallway in front of me.  I don’t really take notice to stuff.  Stuff i should sometimes, stuff i wouldn’t know, because i feel this way, and then i guess it blocks out the bad pretty well.  I don’t mean to say i’m narrow minded, because i don’t think myself that way.  (with the exception to the puns i make at liberal arts kids lol).  Heh, maybe things aren’t supposed to be what i assume, i guess it makes life a little more…entertaining?

On a good note however.  I do feel a bit of heart in something i thought i lost.  I’m not sure where the motivation comes from, perhaps a missing of the joy it bring, but i actually care about the environment again.  I even busted out the windmill plans i intended for the summer.  This is like the only thing that keeps me hoping lol.

I’m excited to work with my dad on stuff.  He’s a really cool guy, and i’m sad to say i really dont know him.  And its very interesting that growing up, we never talked, really, cept to do math and what not.  And i end up being the one with a total heart for engineering.  I find that ironic and very planned lol.  We have some pretty conversations about nuclear power.  He has such vast knowledge, its really cool.  He’s so smart, and you’d never really know lol.  It is cool to finally be able to talk about derivitives haha, i’ve been hearing about them since i was 5.  And now i play with autocad for real, instead of just making stupid shapes like i did when i was in kindergarten lol.

This is quite random.  Hmmm, i should wrap this up so i can leave java break lol.

In conclusion.  Lol, i’m once again lost on this trail called life.  Attempting to find my way, and do it right.  Um.  Nuclear power is neat.  I like robots.  I complain a lot, again, my blog, my rules lol.  And i think way too much.

Night yall

Livestock a major threat to environment

Remedies urgently needed

29 November 2006, Rome - Which causes more greenhouse gas emissions, rearing cattle or driving cars?

Surprise!

According to a new report published by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization, the livestock sector generates more greenhouse gas emissions as measured in CO2 equivalent – 18 percent – than transport. It is also a major source of land and water degradation.

Says Henning Steinfeld, Chief of FAO’s Livestock Information and Policy Branch and senior author of the report: “Livestock are one of the most significant contributors to today’s most serious environmental problems. Urgent action is required to remedy the situation.”

With increased prosperity, people are consuming more meat and dairy products every year. Global meat production is projected to more than double from 229 million tonnes in 1999/2001 to 465 million tonnes in 2050, while milk output is set to climb from 580 to 1043 million tonnes.

Long shadow

The global livestock sector is growing faster than any other agricultural sub-sector. It provides livelihoods to about 1.3 billion people and contributes about 40 percent to global agricultural output. For many poor farmers in developing countries livestock are also a source of renewable energy for draft and an essential source of organic fertilizer for their crops.

But such rapid growth exacts a steep environmental price, according to the FAO report, Livestock’s Long Shadow –Environmental Issues and Options. “The environmental costs per unit of livestock production must be cut by one half, just to avoid the level of damage worsening beyond its present level,” it warns.

When emissions from land use and land use change are included, the livestock sector accounts for 9 percent of CO2 deriving from human-related activities, but produces a much larger share of even more harmful greenhouse gases. It generates 65 percent of human-related nitrous oxide, which has 296 times the Global Warming Potential (GWP) of CO2. Most of this comes from manure.

And it accounts for respectively 37 percent of all human-induced methane (23 times as warming as CO2), which is largely produced by the digestive system of ruminants, and 64 percent of ammonia, which contributes significantly to acid rain.

Livestock now use 30 percent of the earth’s entire land surface, mostly permanent pasture but also including 33 percent of the global arable land used to producing feed for livestock, the report notes. As forests are cleared to create new pastures, it is a major driver of deforestation, especially in Latin America where, for example, some 70 percent of former forests in the Amazon have been turned over to grazing.

Land and water

At the same time herds cause wide-scale land degradation, with about 20 percent of pastures considered as degraded through overgrazing, compaction and erosion. This figure is even higher in the drylands where inappropriate policies and inadequate livestock management contribute to advancing desertification.

The livestock business is among the most damaging sectors to the earth’s increasingly scarce water resources, contributing among other things to water pollution, euthropication and the degeneration of coral reefs. The major polluting agents are animal wastes, antibiotics and hormones, chemicals from tanneries, fertilizers and the pesticides used to spray feed crops. Widespread overgrazing disturbs water cycles, reducing replenishment of above and below ground water resources. Significant amounts of water are withdrawn for the production of feed.

Livestock are estimated to be the main inland source of phosphorous and nitrogen contamination of the South China Sea, contributing to biodiversity loss in marine ecosystems.

Meat and dairy animals now account for about 20 percent of all terrestrial animal biomass. Livestock’s presence in vast tracts of land and its demand for feed crops also contribute to biodiversity loss; 15 out of 24 important ecosystem services are assessed as in decline, with livestock identified as a culprit.

Remedies

The report, which was produced with the support of the multi-institutional Livestock, Environment and Development (LEAD) Initiative, proposes explicitly to consider these environmental costs and suggests a number of ways of remedying the situation, including:

Land degradation – controlling access and removing obstacles to mobility on common pastures. Use of soil conservation methods and silvopastoralism, together with controlled livestock exclusion from sensitive areas; payment schemes for environmental services in livestock-based land use to help reduce and reverse land degradation.

Atmosphere and climate – increasing the efficiency of livestock production and feed crop agriculture. Improving animals’ diets to reduce enteric fermentation and consequent methane emissions, and setting up biogas plant initiatives to recycle manure.

Water – improving the efficiency of irrigation systems. Introducing full-cost pricing for water together with taxes to discourage large-scale livestock concentration close to cities.

These and related questions are the focus of discussions between FAO and its partners meeting to chart the way forward for livestock production at global consultations in Bangkok this week. These discussions also include the substantial public health risks related to the rapid livestock sector growth as, increasingly, animal diseases also affect humans; rapid livestock sector growth can also lead to the exclusion of smallholders from growing markets.

http://www.fao.org/newsroom/en/news/2006/1000448/index.html

Get it?  ln cabin…. LOG CABIN….C…Sea….Water….cabin in water! HOUSEBOAT

and i actually had a fairly decent blog here…but it neglected to save my draft.

Recap i guess.

I declared my love of math, regardless at however horrid i am at testing.

but the coolest part…my dream

i was sleeping, and calculated the cubed root of 17.76 (very random) in my head…and mind you, this was weeks before we learned anything close to this.  And i was still in awe and a bit bored so i decided to check my answer a few nights later.  To my surprise, and really complete shock, i was right.  Up to like 3 decimals actually.  How cool is that?

Same thing in 4th grade, i learned division in my dreams.  I had a hell of a time sleeping a night, but i guess…i need to be thinking about that ha.

Very odd indeed.

The other thing…i was driving tonight, back to lawrence, listening to quite the assortment of music.  and it hit me.  I imagined all the waves of the sounds all around me.  No, i was not drugged lol, just very excited about waves lol.  Geez i sound really freakin nerdy.  I guess i shouldnt have made fun of my math teacher last semester for being in awe of the cosine wave lol.  Hmm

I sleep NOW!

As much as i’d love to put on the “Mari Happy Face”, or look like things are alright, but damn…i don’t even feel like i can right now.  I seriously feel awful, you have no idea.

On the outside, i try to act like things are fine, great, sometimes even awesome.  And hey, maybe i do occasionally feel that way.  But most of the time…i feel like i’m one falling step from failing out of life.  And quite frankly, i thinking i’m falling fastly down that last step.  I don’t know what to do honestly.

It’s not that i don’t try.  I really do.  But i feel like i can’t make anything right, i can’t do anything right, and that i’m just not right.  I feel like i let everyone down, i feel like i’m useless, and that maybe…maybe i should just listen to the signs around me that dude…you really mess stuff up.

And you say, oh she’s freaking out because she’s failing one class.  Which, yeah, thats part of it, but thats not really it.

I feel like i’m failing at life.

By no means do i WANT to, otherwise, Why would i keep this ongoing battle…going?  And by no means am i giving up, but damn…i dunno what to do.  I just want to curl up, but i know i can’t.  I could be REALLY hard on myself, spend my life away in a library, not that i already dont but….  AHH what does it take?  What will it take for me to not be a failure?

I’m not sure at which point in my life i’ll decide that what i’m doing is good enough.  Maybe, when what i am doing is good enough.  I honesty don’t feel like i can ever fully give myself to anything.  yeah i try, really freaking hard.  But it’s never good enough.  I’m never good enough.  I don’t love enough, i don’t care enough, i don’t try enough, i’m not responsible enough, i don’t look good enough (least of my concerns honestly), i don’t BE enough, i can’t test good enough, i can’t schedule good enough.

But then reading through captivating, i thought, maybe…maybe i’m “too much” for society/life to handle.  Not that i particularly care about society, but i do kind of have to work/live in it, and if i fail out of that, i may as well of given up years ago and just became a hermit in the mountains.  And maybe i am too much sometimes.  Too persistant, too prideful, too wanting, too overbearing, think too much, too…tooo…..oh the list goes on.  But what do i do?!

I’m not enough?  I’m too much?  Where do i fit in?  What am i supposed to be doing?  I don’t expect the answer to just be handed to me on a plate, no…but i’ve been trying to figure things like this out forever, and no progress seems to be made.  it seems like failure just loves to answer every single door i choose to open.  Maybe it doesn’t get me right as i get inside, no, it waits…and then ATTACKS.

This is very emo, sorry, i actually don’t even expect anyone to read this, prolly being the only reason i published it because i generally know no one reads this lol.

Maybe i just hmmm, i honestly don’t know what i need.  This whole semester i’ve felt really depressed.  I have no exact reason to be either.  But as the days go on, the more and more i believe it.  I don’t want this burden…I just want to live my dreams and make the rest of it all shut up.

errrrrr