Adult Supervision
This summer has been a real rollercoaster for me, in more ways than emotions. Of which, I still need to post the paper I wrote, it might help. I’ve been resisting blogging about this, but, alas, I hit that mood where I feel I must.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I hate this, but maybe I should just deal with it. Come to some conclusions too. Let me describe something to you:
Today was a good example. I slept in until 1 pm, I slept for 13 hours. Fantastic right? Thought so. Felt good for about an hour, still in that “i just woke up” daze. Decide that i’m kinda hungry. I bathe because it had been days, put on some clothes, thought a bit too much about the jeans i’d wear. Something feels a bit off. I ignore this, i could just be tired from oversleeping. I get to the store, and I see this girl I know, she’s really cool. I just happen to be pulling down the lane that she’s on. She doesn’t see me. Thank God, my heart was rushing. Why didn’t I want to talk to her? I don’t know, anxiety, I park on the far opposite side wal-mart, just so I can avoid the situation. That sucked, felt bad. I still feel a bit off. I walk inside, and it hits me. I don’t feel good. I just want to curl up and sleep. This really sucks. I text my boyfriend. Still feel bad. Trying to ignore it. I find some meaningless food that might make me feel important or like I did something useful with my time. I look at everything with a pessimistic view. I’m so annoyed with everyone and everything around me. Matt asks if I’m doing ok, am i? I don’t even know anymore. I’m functioning, yes, I can walk around and try to cover up the way i feel on the inside, but when you look inside…I’m screaming and dying. It’s the worst feeling in the world, and even worse to know it’s something wrong with your brain that caused it. By this point I realize i’m depressed. I hate it. Why haven’t the doctors got me in yet? I wonder why they would torment me like this. Don’t they see what’s happening? This isn’t something to play around with, it’s very serious. Literally life or death, depending. I talk to Matt, feel a bit better, I’m distracted in my mind, this is good.
It’s a game, of sorts. Who wins? The disorder or the one held captive? It’s really terrible to think about it, in complete seriousness. Not only do I feel like I’m hiding things all the time from every person I know and love, but I feel like it’s hiding me. Daily, I wake up scared. Am I going to have a good day? Am I going to be so manicy I blow my whole bank account, jump off buildings, or say mean things to my friends? Am I going to get out of bed or not, because i’m so depressed? Do i care about the world today? Do I care about myself today? Will I make progress on this ongoing war in my mind without damaging my heart so much? These questions and more plague me daily, hourly, all day long. And will, for the rest of my life, which in itself is extremely depressing.
Particuraley, depressing things are looking at others. I’m 19. And perhaps, not much is expected of me. But then a lot is. There is a wide spectrum of what is legit and normal for girls my age. And I realize, everyone is different, there is no normal, etc. However, let’s look at some younger humans. I look at kids that are 13 or 14. They look capable. And when I speak of this, i mean social situations, housework of sorts, and basic abilities. I can do a lot, but then I feel as if I can’t. Sometimes, I really feel incapable of doing the laundry, even though it’s been a month. Sometimes something in my mind just isn’t working properly for me to do these things that i see as normal. My functionability has decreased as the disorder increases if I chart that properly. I feel like a child. I truly hate this. I am not a child, but I am treated as one, because I function like one at times. My ability to deal with money falls into this a lot. I honestly can’t function my money. I try, really hard, I do, but I can’t do it. I can’t explain it. But it’s really tough to explain to others (like my parents who somehow still back me up when i fail), and to other’s because I feel terrible about it.
I just changed my facebook status to “Mari Mawby is not to be left without adult supervision”. It’s funny, yes, but speaks truth as well. It’s awful, because I want to be able to function on my own, do things, you know? I don’t want to NEED to be looked after as though I will do harm to myself if not. I do not mind having company at all, but what if i didn’t? It scares me to believe myself to be on my own. It used to be my dream to have my own things, and do things all by myself. And then, the diagnoses shot all those to hell. I realized that being on my own is in fact dangerous. It’s scary. Right now I sit upstairs, while my parents downstairs, and I feel a bit frightened as to what might happen if they weren’t. I know myself well enough that I would never harm myself. But does the disorder within change that? I don’t know.
It’s scary not knowing. I wish i knew more. I wish the doctors would hurry themselves up and get me in. Everyday I sit and wait, it gets worse. And I can explain that too. I think. Before, if i felt off or depressed, I assumed it was very situational, and got my mind as far away from it as possible, seeing that it is unacceptable and bad to be depressed. It worked most the time. Thoughtwise anyways. Running from it was good for my mind, and trust me, I ran away a lot. Now though, I realize that it Does happen. And I know it’s something wrong with the structure and chemistry of my brain, and that it’s not someone saying something, or something doing something making me feel this way. There is no one to blame, no where to run from it besides my books and projects, and phone calls to distract me. The distractions needed are so expansive that it’s very hard to do.
Maybe my idea of adult is a bit different than others. I always assumed I would be an adult when I felt as if I were. Yet, that’s wrong. Seeing as to what I am dealing with, I do go about it in an adult manner. I don’t see this though, because my state of reality and conscious is typically not standard, and things are of a fog to me. I think perhaps, my adulthood is going to be radically different from those of all my friends and all else. It keeps things interesting to say the least.
My hopes are that medication helps with this a lot. This past month or more has been hell for me. Luckily, for myself, I met the nicest guy ever who loves me even if i’m crazy. He may say i’m not, even when I know I am, and that’s sweet. I wish he could be the cure for me, but I do need help. Glad I realized this, glad i’m on the path to recieving help and better health. Hopefully things go well in school this year around.
<3 Marclam
