So feeling down, feeling rushed… again. I seem to have trouble escaping this feeling. I feel like there’s something I must be doing. I’m losing a lot of the motivation I used to harness. I feel held back, but really I’m held by nothing. I feel unproductive and useless. I cannot live sitting on my bed, wasting the day away. I want to be able to relax, but I feel pressed to make use of my time because my time is short. I want to learn so much, but feel like I can’t. I’m having trouble being at peace with what I have this very instant. I feel horrible knowing that there are others out there fighting for their life while I play a video game or surf the internet, or blog… I’m struggling with some finances too… I have to get a job and a car or way of travel to that job.

I just feel torn… shattered. These pieces are in need of some healing.

The life I am living, and the life I was meant to live are conflicting. Does my role as a web designer have a significance in God’s kingdom? When asking that question, I realize that I do have a role. I can make a difference. But I think I’m struggling with “how much of a difference?”

I guess I’m here not to make an astounding impact, the Savior has already done that. But I do want to take part in his victory. I want to carry out his will within my own life and I’m struggling with that now.

I love my friends so much. I guess it’s because my family is so broken. I’m not sure if they realize this love, but it is there. I need them in my life. They may get mad at me about how disapprove of certain things, but I want to make sure they stay on the right track with God, a thing I wish they would also check in on me with. I love my family too. And I’m blessed here living with the Haydens, truly, I hope they see this.

Something new I’m trying at the end of my blogs:

Lord, even as I write, I feel your love rising in me. Do know I love you, there is an extent of my love, and I grieve for that, I’m sorry. May your will be done in my life and my friends lives. May we praise and work for you, for you are good, and only you bring us the love we need. My God, bless us. May we find the weak in heart, and encourage them with your love. Please spark the motivation in our lives to fight for what is You. In your blessed Son’s name,

Amen.

I Give My Life
by Corey Campbell

The love of my Savior King
Means more than your everything.
Please go and enjoy your depression
You severed and crippled nation.

Forget His love, live your lust
Nation of “In God we Trust”
Dress each other in your fashion
Strip yourself of His compassion

Beat me up and break me down
Strangle my heart, oust its pound
Prey off my pains, until my death
Murder my life, every last breath

Empty yourself of my care
And pretend that I’m not there.
Forget me, blind yourself of love
Yes, the love you were once made of.

Only one last test for you,
For it’s not about what I do.
My friend, you may reject the knife
But as for me I give my life.

Just kinda browsing the web… remembered xanga and brought back some old memories. It’s funny. It’s really only been 1 or 2 years since all our friends used it, how quickly it died.