I’m a bit distraught with how life has been dished out lately. I guess I just don’t like change. I love all my friends dearly and it’s just really hard to let them be. It just kinda sucks not being able to be involved with one another like we once were. As each day pushes on it seems like a little bit more of my past is ripped away. I spent today thinking about each person in my life and how they influenced me. It was absolutely remarkable and heartbreaking at the same time. I long so much to be a part of their lives again and it just keeps slipping away.

I’m not sure if it’s me or them… i’m not sure even if anyone will read this as it rolls through the facebook feed, but I know one thing for sure: I’ll always cherish everyone. I forget to call, people forget to call, I forget to message, people forget to message. Some people might even deliberately not do such things, but it doesn’t matter.

So many family holes, so many friendships thinning… my life feels a bit more empty than usual. I guess I’m just distraught about it all. It’s funny that I find myself alone while I write this. First day in a long while where no one has been around.

I wonder how many people I’ve pushed out of my life. How many I’ve scared. How many I’ve hurt. How many can’t stand being around me. How many don’t love me anymore. How many I’ve turned away. How many I stepped on. How many think I’m arrogant. How many think I’m pompous. How many think I’m too judgemental. How many fear talking to me because I talk about God with them. How many leave me because they think such things.

Friends…

I just want to know if I’m doing something wrong? Is there a reason you don’t want to be around me? or to call me? or to text me? or email me? what is it? I wanna know if I’ve done wrong to you…

I miss you all. I love you. I’m sorry.