I’m a bit distraught with how life has been dished out lately. I guess I just don’t like change. I love all my friends dearly and it’s just really hard to let them be. It just kinda sucks not being able to be involved with one another like we once were. As each day pushes on it seems like a little bit more of my past is ripped away. I spent today thinking about each person in my life and how they influenced me. It was absolutely remarkable and heartbreaking at the same time. I long so much to be a part of their lives again and it just keeps slipping away.

I’m not sure if it’s me or them… i’m not sure even if anyone will read this as it rolls through the facebook feed, but I know one thing for sure: I’ll always cherish everyone. I forget to call, people forget to call, I forget to message, people forget to message. Some people might even deliberately not do such things, but it doesn’t matter.

So many family holes, so many friendships thinning… my life feels a bit more empty than usual. I guess I’m just distraught about it all. It’s funny that I find myself alone while I write this. First day in a long while where no one has been around.

I wonder how many people I’ve pushed out of my life. How many I’ve scared. How many I’ve hurt. How many can’t stand being around me. How many don’t love me anymore. How many I’ve turned away. How many I stepped on. How many think I’m arrogant. How many think I’m pompous. How many think I’m too judgemental. How many fear talking to me because I talk about God with them. How many leave me because they think such things.

Friends…

I just want to know if I’m doing something wrong? Is there a reason you don’t want to be around me? or to call me? or to text me? or email me? what is it? I wanna know if I’ve done wrong to you…

I miss you all. I love you. I’m sorry.

I found this in a prayer journal from awhile ago. July 23rd of some year…

A Friend. Jesus.

Lord,

Thank you for friends. They give me so much hope. They push me and encourage me to do things that I would never do on my own. They’re an amazing gift, and when they put their trust in you my spirit grows as well. Today God, I ask you to be here as our friend. Backing us up, encouraging our steps, and never giving up on us. Lord I love your power, your wisdom, and your love. Throw your grace, your eternal grace, down upon each and everyone of our lives. Let us be The Way today. Let each sole on earth know that we are disciples of you Jesus, and let them see the love you offer so willingly today.

In Christ Jesus’ name,

Amen

I should write a few more prayers down…

Yeah so here’s the dreary story about my midnight crisis. I’ve been trying to get vista to work on my new pc. Took me over 50 hours to figure out how to configure all the settings so that it worked with my computer.. I’ve got it all right now. Everything is working fine. Just earlier I formatted my external hard drive because it was no longer in sync with my internal drive… this turns out to be a bad idea later on as you’ll see. This external drive is the backup of all my secondary drive data (I have one drive for my operating system and one for my data). Well, something goes amiss and I have to reformat my C: drive that had the current operating system on it. So I pop in the vista disc, go to install, and planned to delete and format the drive.

The installation window displays a list of my drives to format and delete. I select the C: drive and press delete. Here’s where things get bad. In order to add a fresh installation of windows I have to hit delete, and then I have to click format. Well I hit delete like I said… and I click delete BUT JUST AS I DO!!!! OH NO!!! THE FREAKING LIST SELECTED MY SECONDARY HARD DRIVE!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I press my restart button with lightening reflex in complete terror! I restart the computer hoping that my data is still on my drive… is it… loading… please be… loading… is it?!!!…. formatted drive… NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So… a test… how do I react… did I really freak out like that? Nope… that was all in my head. I actually didn’t freak out as bad as I thought I would. I thought I would scream… I often wondered what it would be like to lose everything I owned… Well. This has happened before… but I wanted to see if I was too close to my technology friend. God and I had a conversation long ago about this. Whether I could handle it. Looks like I might have it down.

The Resolution and Revival
So I was able to save the data off my formatted hard drive from a lovely software program that reads formatted  disks… found it all, copied it over. Safe… and sound once again. It was mind boggling that it could do that, but totally made sense at the same time… figure that one out…

Life is new again.. *breath*